The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
