What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
