You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
