you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Let's get the cat blown out
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
