someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
