Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
