how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Randomize