I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
