cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
