he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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