matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
