im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
