i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
