i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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