I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
