What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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