This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
