I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
