Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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