Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
