If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
