i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
