I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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