News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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