i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
