I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
