just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Enjoy the penises
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
