I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
