Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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