I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
