He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize