I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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