one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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