I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
