i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
