and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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