You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
