i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
