Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think my fart just growled at me.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
