and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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