My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
