This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
