I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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