I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Even my vagina gasped.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Boobs are out for the taking
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
