i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
