I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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