Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
