you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize