so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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