I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Dignity is for republicans.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Is Oprah even human
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
