Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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