hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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