so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
