i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
