my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
