I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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