So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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