How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize