I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
