Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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