mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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