just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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