I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
