i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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