I want to stick my p in your. b.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
