She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
