i don't like sucking hair
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
