Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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