While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Is Oprah even human
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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