More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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